The Obscurer

Month: February, 2007

Selling England By The Pound

At times it seems as if it is open season on the supermarkets, and especially Tesco, the UK’s largest retailer. In the same way that Barclays – by virtue of its dominant position in the banking sector – is the first to be attacked for closing branches, outsourcing and imposing punitive bank charges, so disquiet about supermarket practices in general often becomes condensed into specific complaints about Tesco in particular.

Last week’s BBC1 programme Shopping The Supermarkets, and Monday’s Dispatches programme The Supermarket That’s Eating Britain on Channel 4, are recent examples covering familiar territory. Local councils, like mine in Stockport, are bullied in the planning stage and Tesco builds stores that breach planning permission; they hold “land banks” that reduce competition by blocking other retailers from developing sites; they squeeze suppliers into bankruptcy from their powerful oligopsonistic position; they exploit numerous tax loopholes whilst cosying up to government; and they have really, really irritating adverts (sorry, that last one wasn’t on Dispatches list, it’s just one of my bugbears).

Dispatches also highlighted the Clubcard scheme whereby customers’ purchases are monitored and scrutinised, providing a wealth of information ascribed to each individual so that discount vouchers can be posted out tailored to our disparate needs, so that our every whim can be twisted, teased and coerced into profit. Such data mining raises some privacy concerns, and it is this matter that forms the subject of this post, and which has determined why I feel Tesco and its cohorts must be engaged in battle and defeated.

For instance; take a look at this section from my Clubcard statement that arrived this morning. Ignoring the general voucher for the princely sum of £2 which I can spend as I like, we see below the unique, targeted vouchers for my use as prescribed by that infamous, omnipotent database. So, drawing on my many years as a Tesco customer, following the trends as I turned from callow youth into a callow father-of-two, let’s see what they make of me.

You may not be able to empathise, but reading the coupons I feel a distinctly eerie feeling, like someone has just walked over my grave. How do they do it? What witchcraft is this? How could they possibly know that I drink milk? And eat bread, fruit and vegetables? That my wife uses cleaning products? Or that I take all my goods home in a bag? Truly the power of Tesco is mighty, other worldly. I feel invaded, violated, as if someone has been dipping around in my brain, has delved into the depths of my very soul.

Join me. Help me to fight this menace, before Tesco discover other secrets about me – that I wear clothes, shoes – and send me unsolicited vouchers for them too. They must be allowed to go no further. This must end here. Now.

A Word From Our Sponsors

Antony Worrall Thompson today hit out at those who have recently questioned the integrity of his ITV1 programme Saturday Cooks Live, and its spin offs, Daily Cooks and Christmas Cooks, following the criticism that for a show that pretends to be about promoting innovative and inventive culinary ideas, being sponsored by McCain Oven Chips makes it look a little bit silly.

Speaking from his home in Oxfordshire, Worrall Thompson retorted

We have nothing to apologise for. McCain insist on using only the finest quality Maris Piper potatoes in their Oven Chips. They are low in salt, sugar and saturated fat – a boon in these health conscious times – and are the perfect accompaniment to Chicken Dippers and Pizza Fingers. Or why not try them in a sliced pain rustique along with just a light sprinkling of Cayman Island sea salt and a splash of 15-year-old balsamico di Modena?

Once we had stopped our tape recorder, Mr Worrall Thompson continued

What the fuck was that all about, eh? Why is it always me you get stuck into? You never go after Gordon Ramsay do you? Oh no, because he’s a “real chef”, while I’m just a “celebrity chef”. Oh really. For Christ’s sake he’s on telly more often than I am! You’ve not had a pop at him for advertising Thresher have you? No, it’s always Wozzer that gets it in the neck. I mean; Thresher, for fucks sake. Talk about falling between two stools, stuck in no-man’s land between Oddbins and Bargain Booze, with Tesco doing the same only better and cheaper and open 24 hours a day. “Wines you can swear by”. Oh that’s clever isn’t it? Well I can swear too. Damn right I can. Cockflaps! There you go, that’s a swear word I’ve just invented. Cockflaps! It’s pathetic. I know the media are always going to be more interested in megastars like that blogger Guido Fawkes or whatever his name is, but on the quiet lesser celebrities like Gordon Ramsay are just as big hypocrites but get a free pass from you lot because they’re not as famous. I tell you, he gets away with murder.

It is believed that McCain fought off stiff competition from both Bachelor’s Super Noodles and Campbell’s Meatballs for the deal to sponsor Saturday Cooks Live. Rumours that Bernard Matthews was interested in using the sponsorship to relaunch their Turkey Twizzler brand could not be confirmed. We did try to contact them but their phone line was continually engaged and does not accept BT RingBack.

This is the second sponsorship row ITV has been involved with in recent weeks. Their genealogy programme “You Don’t Know You’re Born” was criticised as being little more than a piss-poor rip off of the rival BBC show “Who Do You Think You Are?” and simply a sorry excuse to publicise Genes Reunited, the programme’s sponsor and a division of Friends Reunited which ITV recently bought for £120m. On that occasion ITV defended itself robustly, stating that before the show was broadcast their lawyers had assured them that the format, credits and music for the show, while being almost identical to the BBC version, where technically different enough to be “just this side of legal”, so that although it was “as plain as day” what they were up to, the chance of being sued for a copyright infringement was “really quite slim”.

Marriage Tree

I’m a hero, apparently. I’ve always wanted to be a hero, and now I discover I am; and it’s not just me who’s saying it. No lesser person than the Archbishop of Canterbury, when speaking at the launch of National Marriage Week, has stated I am a hero; and all because a few years ago I spent more money than I had on a fuck-off big party.

This again. The biannual news story that marriage should be promoted because married couples are more likely to stay together than unmarried couples, and that children tend to do better when being born into married families. It is getting tiresome.

First of all, what’s it got to do with the church? I can see why Rowan Williams would want to bask in the reflected glory of the seemingly favourable statistics associated with marriage, but would that be fair? I was married in a civil ceremony, and one of the rules of such a wedding is that there can be no mention of religion at any stage of the service. As a result it was touch and go at one stage whether the music we picked – Ennio Morricone’s score for the film The Mission – would be allowed. Therefore, surely religion should similarly be explicitly excluded as a potential cause of my successful marriage, and those of my many friends who were also married in civil ceremonies?

Secondly, I wasn’t born married. My wife and I went out together, lived together and even got up to cheeky nonsense together for over four years before we were wed. Would Dr Williams have been critical of our arrangements had he met us at the start of June 2002? Did that much change by the time we were sipping champagne a few days later? We were still the same people, with the same devotion to each other.

And today; am I dedicated to my wife because I am married to her? I don’t think so; that statement is surely putting the cart before the horse. I am dedicated to my wife because I am still in love with her, always will be. It is because I am dedicated to her that I am married to her, not the other way round. I don’t think marriage as an institution can take any of the credit.

But can marriage help keep couples together? Perhaps. I can imagine some people being in the situation where they feel the need to fight to save their marriage, when if they were in a different type of relationship (at least one without kids) they may not feel there was anything to fight for. It is a moot point whether that is a good or bad thing – should you fight to stay with someone just because you are married to them; if you are having to fight, should you really be with them? – but no doubt there are people who have stayed together simply because of the marriage, and the relationship has subsequently flourished once the tricky spell is over. But surely that only works if you value marriage in itself in the first place; simply promoting marriage to people who aren’t inclined to get wed can only be good news for the divorce lawyers. The statistics that show married relationships as being more stable surely just prove that stable couples are more likely to get married; if more people were to get wed simply because they have been cajoled or incentivised by the church or state I can well imagine those statistics converging over time.

Why get married then? Well how about for the same reason I did; simply because I wanted to. The benefits of marriage are intangible, and so they should be. My wedding was the best day of my life, without doubt, and we treasure our memories of that day. I’ve never worn jewellery but I love wearing my wedding ring, not because it is an attractive and valuable chunk of gold, but because it is a link to and constant reminder of my wife. I didn’t have to get married, no one should have to, but I wanted to and I’m glad I did. But I don’t think it has any bearing of the success of our relationship.

So is marriage the “glue that holds society together” as the Telegraph’s editorial predictably puts it? I don’t think so. It may do some good work at the margins, persuading some couples to give their relationship one last go, but that is about it. I don’t think you should dismiss entirely the effect marriage can have, but it is important not to build its part either.

Talk Talk

There seemed to be an interesting item on BBC1’s Breakfast programme this morning, concerning children’s communication skills. Are today’s pre-schoolers lagging behind previous generations in their ability to speak? Have standards in language and vocabulary dropped in recent years?

I say it seemed an interesting article because I could barely make out a single word emanating from the television; my 3½-year-old son was yabbering noisily and unceasingly throughout the whole piece. Is it the done thing to tell your child to “just shut up for one minute, please” during a telly programme lamenting the decline in the nation’s language skills? It’s a judgment call, but I decided against it.

As a result I was unable to take in a thing; I have no yardstick against which to gauge my son’s development, I cannot tell if there is a problem or cause for concern, and I am unable to take any further measures to correct my son’s communications gap if it exists. Because he never stops talking.