Suggestion Box
by Quinn
Before he became an irritating twerp on Sky Sports, Rob McCaffrey was an irritating twerp on Granada TV, playing third fiddle to Elton Welsby and Clive Tyldesley on such shows as Kick Off and Granada Soccer Night. One day he was walking through the centre of Manchester when my mate Mark drove past in his car. Instinctively, Mark wound down his window and hurled a lump of pate in McCaffrey’s direction; tragically it landed harmlessly on the pavement some distance from its target, but the thought was there. Why pate? I suppose Mark had to think quick, knowing he was never going to be presented with such an open goal again, and he could only work with what was at hand. Let’s hope it was just something like Tesco’s own Ardennes, and not Selfridges’ Fois Gras.
So? Well I was reminded of this incident when I think I heard on News North West this morning that “Herr Doktor” John Reid is to be in Manchester today, acting up; I say “I think I heard” because I only ever half listen to the local news. When he was here for the Labour party conference the other month there was a massive police operation that closed off the whole of the city centre around the G-Mex, Midland Hotel and old Free Trade Hall; but they can’t be spending £4m on security this time around, not for that twat. This then has got to be my best chance of throwing something amusing right in his grinning face.
And it must be amusing; not boring, like paint, or with a message, such as a DVD of 28 Days Later. I don’t mind if it is harmless or potentially deadly, so long as it isn’t dull or predictable. I am looking for silly.
But what? My wife suggested a “meatball marinara” sub from Subway, foot-long; but that seems like a waste of a good sandwich. My son thought of “balls…purple and green and lellow…made of wood” which could certainly do some damage but are not especially funny in themselves. I am finding it difficult to think beyond pate myself, although I also quite like the idea of dropping an acme anvil from a great height – say the new Beethams Tower – like in a cartoon. That idea still needs some work though; perhaps I’ll watch my son’s Tom And Jerry DVD’s for inspiration.
I’m stuck really, so I’m passing it over to you; fitting the criteria outlined above, what should I try to chuck at John Reid today? Chop chop now, he’s not going to be here all day. The winner will be awarded an exciting prize; the respect of their peers.
The Obscurer 
How about a copy of Murder in Samarkand? It’s still in hardback form, so it packs almost as much a wallop as John Reid used to give to the socialists at university that didn’t toe the party line.You could also use it to make an apposite bon mot: as it strikes home, shout from your retreating vehicle “that’s a far better read than you’ll ever be, you cunt!”
Weasels, definitely weasels.In fact, tarantulas.
A wasps nest would be nice. Failing that, blancmange. Or a big wodge of chewing gum. If only John Reid had hair. A wig. A coin. Works on linesmen after all. How about tofu? Not tofu. Hummous. That’s what I meant. The garlic stuff should smell lovely. Is this funny enough though? You could paint a big yellow smiley face on the wasps nest. Blancmange is funny. It even sounds funny. Bla. Monj. Blamonj. Funny.How about one of those naff birthday cards with a bad celebrity impression when you open them? You could sharpen the edges, so that you get some crappy doesn’t-sound-hardly-anything-like-the-real-thing voice syaing “D’oh! All I got for my birthday was this card” as it slices through his neck.Or doughnuts. The ones with the holes in the middle. Or jammy ones. I used to make doughnuts for a living. It wasn’t a particularly funny job. We got good teabreaks though.You could make a big black round bomb out of lego with “Bomb” painted in big white letters on the side and throw that at him.Bored now. Bye bye.
Great ideas everyone, but sadly I never spotted Reid, so wasn’t able to carry them out.Meanwhile Nosemonkey, who did have the opportunity, completely spurned the chance.