Over Land And Sea And Stretford
by Quinn
City 0-2 United (sigh). Well, it was always expecting too much to think we could manage a hat trick of home wins against the Reds. I don’t really think we deserved to lose, but I am 100% biased, so don’t take my word for it. If only McManaman and Fowler had finished better with their clear chances it may all have been very different, but football is full of “if onlys”. Never mind.
So I am indebted to my wife, again, for presenting me with an unintentional Valentine’s gift; a print of an email she was handed at work. My apologies to anyone who has already seen it, and for any errors I haven’t spotted from my OCB scanning of the document. Also, to make it plain, I make no claim to being the author of the following piece; my thanks to the writer, and I apologise for any copyright infringment. It made me smile, and cheered me up.
Spurs v United – The Rematch
Man Utd graciously agreed to a rematch after Tottenham’s disallowed goal on the 4th of January.The Super Reds went ahead just before the kick-off when Giggs was sent away down the left wing. His cross was handled on the half way line by a Spurs defender and a penalty was awarded for this cynical foul. Paul Scholes stepped up to slot the ball home for United’s 33rd penalty of the season. It was no more than United deserved.
The 15th minute saw the Super,Smashing Reds go two up after Michael Carrick was penalised for coughing just outside the area. Christiano Ronaldo’s resultant free kick was slightly miss-hit, but even if the keeper was not being pinned to the floor by Roy Keane, he would not have saved it. 2-0. It was no more than United deserved.
The 21st minute saw more trouble for Spurs when Erik Edman was sent-off for enquiring about the referee’s Man United shirt. However two minutes after the interval Spurs struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune. The referee’s assistant could only parry Pedro Mendes’ shot and Robbie Keane thumped the ball home. Confusion reigned for 10 minutes as the entire Manchester United squad surrounded the referee, arguing that the referee’s assistant had been fouled 15 minutes earlier. The referee grudgingly had to give the goal even though he racked his brain for a reason to disallow it. Alex Ferguson was furious and rushed down from his seat in the stand to the dugout, knocking over a number of blind, disabled pensioners in wheelchairs on the way down. Fortunately, things settled down again as Paul Scholes took a long-range shot, which deflected off the corner flag but had clearly crossed the line, 3-1. It was no more than United deserved.
Just after the restart, unsportsmanlike Nourredine Naybet was dismissed for making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Roy Keane had nearly decapitated Robbie Keane. The referee and his assistant missed the incident as they were both asking Ryan Giggs for his autograph, but replays showed that Keane’s flying kung-fu kick, followed by a forearm smash was clearly unintentional. Ten minutes later Ferguson took off Giggs and replaced him with Alan Smith, Eric Djemba-Djemba and the suspended Wayne Rooney. Wonderful, wonderful Man United’s 4th came shortly after. Robbie Keane was caught off side just outside the Spurs penalty area and Rooney’s free-kick thundered in after deflecting off the underside of the floodlights. It was no more then United deserved.
The super, marvel, wonder Reds kept the pressure on until the bitter end. In the 98th minute Ledley King conceded a free kick just outside his own area for blatantly glancing at the referee. Ronaldo stepped up and proceeded to chip the ball right into the referee’s path and he made no mistake from 10 yards.Goal number 5 and it was no more than United deserved.
Scholes slotted home number 6 from the penalty spot after Gardner went down with a broken leg. Fortunately Roy Keane was nearby when it happened and, after running 50 yards, he was able to bring the incident to the referee’s attention. Unfazed by Gardner’s cynical tactics, protruding bone and spraying blood, the referee sent him off for diving (and time wasting) and awarded United the penalty. Scholes cheekily chipped the ball over the keeper and the crossbar, but the referee decided that it was a goal, because based on past records, Scholes rarely misses.
When the final whistle went after 33 minutes of injury time, Spurs traipsed off with their heads low, having been taught a footballing lesson by what is by far the greatest team the World has ever seen. As the losers hit the showers, a superb flowing movement by United culminated with a fine diving header by Alex Ferguson and it was 7-1. However the referee decided that it was such a good goal, it should count double. 8-1 then; and it was no more than United deserved.
(If you can’t remember the Roy Carroll blunder that lead to this replay, here is some recent footage which perhaps explains why the linesman gave the wrong decision.)
The Obscurer 
1. Everyone hates Man Utd2. Last season at Old Trafford “dispicable ponce” Ronaldo was doing his usual tricks againt Tony Hibbert, and the Everton right back chopped him down. The Portuguese matador thumped the resulting free-kick right into Hibbo’s groin. The next time Ronaldo had the ball, Rooney (who’d ran all the way back from up front) lunged in and nearly chopped him in half. How we cheered.(making it all the more painful to see them as team mates. Deal with the Devil indeed).3. Last season at Goodison we went 3-0 down, fought back to 3-3 then The Horse got an injury time winner. In their celebration Gary “Policeman” Neville reminded the Evertonians what he thinks of scousers, and Cristiano Ronaldo did his utmost to incite Everton fans to come onto the pitch for a fight. I believe a complaint was made, but the FA probably “lost” it…4. FA Cup matches are always aggressive.5. The Goodison Pitch is in an absolutely torrid state – it would be impossible for either team to play a passing game.6. With Beattie suspended, and Bent knackered, Duncan Ferguson may well be given a long run out. He hates the Mancs, and always raises his game for them.7. oh yes, the return of a certain Rooney…. should be a fun match this saturday
Yes, I’m certainly looking forward to the cup-tie on Saturday. Some may say I should be cheering on my local, Manchester team…but that is for the birds. Come on Everton!Gary “Policeman” Neville? I can think of a few more nicknames for him. I don’t dislike many United players; only two really, Keane and Gary Neville. Neville got booed everytime he touched the ball last weekend; which is particularly amusing as there was no specific reason for it – he hadn’t especially mouthed off in the press or anything – it was just a recognition by all City fans that he is a tw*t. So it was inevitable after all the abuse he received that he would provide the cross for Rooney’s goal. I actually thought Giggs would be our undoing, because we were all taking the piss out of him for wearing tights. I prefer to remember Neville for his hilarious blunder a couple of seasons back which gifted Shaun Goater his first goal in our 3-1 win. We know a song about that, don’t we?”Derby Day, the scores were level, Then ‘The Goat’ was fed by Neville, Silly boy should know for sure, Feed The Goat And He Will Score!”
Other thing about Neville is that he has a proud history of hating scousers, singling him out for even more stick from Evertonians. Of course all Man Ure fans hate Scousers, each and every one of them, but they’re willing to put up with having one…For the first time ever, I geniunely feel that the players will have little to do with any possible trouble. If the Prawn Sandwich “celebrity fan” brigrade start sinigng about Rooney, it’ll kick off. And what’s this we’re hearing about our ticketing officer complaining how you can’t tell a Man Ure fan from his post code? With Arsenal, it’s safe to assume a Londoner is a Gooner, and must stay out the home section. But someone from Warrington, Wigan, Chester… as likely a blue as a red, could get a little bit “naughty”…
As the Rags sing, “Gary Neville is a Red / He hates Scousers”; I’d like to think the feeling is mutual, and shared by most right thinking football fans around the country.Trying to judge a football fan’s allegience by their post code sounds like a mug’s game to me. Let’s just hope any fans in the wrong end keep their mouths shut if their team scores; probably a vain hope. Nightmare scenario? Rooney scores and removes his shirt to reveal a T-Shirt with some daft slogan on it; cue riot. Hopefully, if I’ve thought it then it can’t happen!
Dream scenario: Rooney removes his shirt to reveal a t-shirt with a daft slogan, the “once a blue always a blue” he made himself for when he scored in the Youth cup final…although it looks like he’ll be “rested”, and that Duncan Ferguson is “injured”….funny that…
I’d like to think the “once a blue always a blue” t-shirt wasn’t that daft, but the heartfelt idealism of youth, before the agents get involved and decide to get you tranferred 12 seconds before the transfer window closes.To clarify by the way (or perhaps to muddy the waters), having re-read my sentence “Gary Neville is a Red / He hates Scousers”; I’d like to think the feeling is mutual, and shared by most right thinking football fans around the country, I can see that it could be taken to mean that I hope right thinking football fans agree with Neville and hate Scousers aswell. Well I don’t mean that; my intentions was purely Neville-ist, a dream of a coaliton of Scousers, City fans and supporters of all clubs, united(sic) in their hatred of one Gary Neville.