SCENE: Backstage at MasterChef HQ. John Torode and Greg Wallace are discussing which two out of the four contestants should go through to the next round.
John: So, what did you think of Stephanie?
Greg: I thought Steph was brilliant. She’s got the lot.
John: I agree.
Greg: She’s what MasterChef is all about. This is why we love this job so much.
Greg: I mean, first off you’ve got those sweet cherry lips on a really pretty face, but then there’s that amazing body to go alongside it. Cracking tits…
John: I really like what she did with those highlights in her hair?
Greg: Her hair is lovely; my only question mark is over her legs.
John: Too skinny? She can work on that though, add a dash of fake tan perhaps? But her arse, oh mate, you cant say her arse isn’t anything other than fantastic.
Greg: Her arse is to die for.
John: So Stephanie’s through, no question. What about Jenny?
Greg: I dunno. You turn up here with a pasty and pallid complexion? You have this lank hair and bleached white down on your top lip? And then you wear these baggy grey jogging pants? No, it just didn’t work for me.
John: Not at all! I don’t know what the hell she was thinking of but I’ll tell you one thing; she sure ain’t no MasterChef.
Greg: Jenny’s gone.
Greg: Which means it’s between Kerry and Jane. Now for me Kerry is simply wonderful. Those deep blue eyes you could just drown in, the way that gorgeous auburn hair falls in ringlets over her shoulders. It’s just that when she opens her mouth…
John: Her voice is horrible, she talks crap all the time and she’s really annoying! Jane, on the other hand: she’s funny, vivacious, intelligent. Just very ordinary looking.
Greg: Plain Jane, while Kerry looks magnificent. Man, those jugs! I can’t stop thinking about them. If you could just get her to keep her trap shut…
John: But you can’t, and that’s her problem. She looks great but I think we’ve seen the best of Kerry, she’s as good as she’s ever going to be, but with Jane there’s so much more potential.
Greg: But can you see her winning MasterChef? Really?
John: Perhaps, I don’t think she’s that far off. If she can knuckle down and improve her presentation a little, add a subtle touch of make-up, if she could just do something with her hair…
Greg: But I don’t think there’s anything to work with there. We’d be taking a big, big gamble on Jane whereas Kerry looks the part right now.
John: Oh boy this is tough. Well, we’ve got to decide, Greg. So who’s it going to be: Kerry or Jane?
Greg closes his eyes and exhales heavily; John throws his head back and stares at the ceiling. They are in torment.