The Obscurer

Month: February, 2009

It's MasterChef

SCENE: Backstage at MasterChef HQ. John Torode and Greg Wallace are discussing which two out of the four contestants should go through to the next round.

John: So, what did you think of Stephanie?

Greg: I thought Steph was brilliant. She’s got the lot.

John: I agree.

Greg: She’s what MasterChef is all about. This is why we love this job so much.

John: Absolutely.

Greg: I mean, first off you’ve got those sweet cherry lips on a really pretty face, but then there’s that amazing body to go alongside it. Cracking tits…

John: I really like what she did with those highlights in her hair?

Greg: Her hair is lovely; my only question mark is over her legs.

John: Too skinny? She can work on that though, add a dash of fake tan perhaps? But her arse, oh mate, you cant say her arse isn’t anything other than fantastic.

Greg: Her arse is to die for.

John: So Stephanie’s through, no question. What about Jenny?

Greg: I dunno. You turn up here with a pasty and pallid complexion? You have this lank hair and bleached white down on your top lip? And then you wear these baggy grey jogging pants? No, it just didn’t work for me.

John: Not at all! I don’t know what the hell she was thinking of but I’ll tell you one thing; she sure ain’t no MasterChef.

Greg: Jenny’s gone.

John: Bye!

Greg: Which means it’s between Kerry and Jane. Now for me Kerry is simply wonderful. Those deep blue eyes you could just drown in, the way that gorgeous auburn hair falls in ringlets over her shoulders. It’s just that when she opens her mouth…

John: Her voice is horrible, she talks crap all the time and she’s really annoying! Jane, on the other hand: she’s funny, vivacious, intelligent. Just very ordinary looking.

Greg: Plain Jane, while Kerry looks magnificent. Man, those jugs! I can’t stop thinking about them. If you could just get her to keep her trap shut…

John: But you can’t, and that’s her problem. She looks great but I think we’ve seen the best of Kerry, she’s as good as she’s ever going to be, but with Jane there’s so much more potential.

Greg: But can you see her winning MasterChef? Really?

John: Perhaps, I don’t think she’s that far off. If she can knuckle down and improve her presentation a little, add a subtle touch of make-up, if she could just do something with her hair…

Greg: But I don’t think there’s anything to work with there. We’d be taking a big, big gamble on Jane whereas Kerry looks the part right now.

John: Oh boy this is tough. Well, we’ve got to decide, Greg. So who’s it going to be: Kerry or Jane?

Greg closes his eyes and exhales heavily; John throws his head back and stares at the ceiling. They are in torment.

Wound Up The Usual Suspects

Other than that fact that they both have something of a speech impediment, I think that Jonathan Ross and Carol Thatcher seem to be quite different people. The circumstances surrounding their respective media controversies are also quite different. So it comes as no surprise to me that the response of their employers and the sanctions meted out in each instance are again quite different. But then I also feel that people are reacting quite differently to each case depending upon how tolerant they are. In saying “how tolerant” I am talking qualitatively, not quantitatively, by which I mean that our reaction depends not so much upon whether we are tolerant or intolerant, rather that in our responses we can clearly see what it is that we can more happily accommodate and tolerate; on the one hand there are those who don’t mind hearing naughty words, and on the other are those who feel quite comfortable with racism.

This plain fact – that there are many and obvious differences between Thatcher’s golliwog moment and the Ross / Sachs affair – has apparently eluded many of Carol Thatcher’s supporters, hence the stream of references to “but look at what happened to Jonathan Ross” in the media and elsewhere when complaining about her treatment. Clearly the BBC has erred in handling each matter on its merits, and it is wrong to deal on a case-by-case basis depending on the very different facts in every incident. Perhaps in future, to ensure fairness, a blanket response it required whenever a media storm blows up over nothing, just so we know where we stand and so we are aware beforehand exactly what the outcome of any investigation will be.

In that case, based upon the way the BBC has dealt with Ross and Thatcher, which precedent should they follow? There are two courses of action to pick from, and whichever is chosen we can subsequently see that in retrospect the BBC should have acted differently in dealing with the other miscreant. In other words

  1. Rather than just dropping Carol Thatcher from The One Show, following an apology Thatcher should have been suspended without pay from all of her BBC work for a period of three months, issued with a final warning, and advised to keep her head down completely until the time of the suspension was over. Or…
  2. Jonathan Ross should have been axed from appearing as a guest on the Russell Brand radio show, but would still be free to work elsewhere for the BBC, on his TV chat show, his Radio 2 show and on Film 2009. There would be no need for him to step down from presenting the British Comedy Awards on ITV.

We all pay for the BBC, and so it is important that we know exactly how they will deal with future situations; only then can we be confident in saying whether Jonathan Ross was dealt with harshly, or if Carol Thatcher’s treatment has been too lenient.

Nitty Gritty

The more it
Snows-tiddely-pom
The more it
Goes-tiddely-pom
The more it
Goes-tiddely-pom
On
Snowing.

“Tiddely what?” you may well ask, and were you to do so you then would be joining a long and illustrious list consisting of Piglet, Dorothy Parker and myself among others. But this week’s snow has drawn a predictable response from our brainless media whining and opining about how unfair it is that the world isn’t perfect, or at least our rain sodden scrap of it. The Daily Mail, for example, reported that the authorities inability to prepare for the snowfall had cost the UK economy £1.2 billion on Monday, and their article contained some interviews with angry business leaders bemoaning the situation.

I don’t know how accurate these figures are – we are talking about the Daily Mail here after all – but I’m interested in that paper’s take on the issue, for in an editorial at the weekend (that I can’t appear to find online) the Mail discussed the current economic pressures on the private sector, and in doing so it fell into the common practice of pointedly referring to the private sector as the “productive, wealth-creating” part of the economy as if they are in some way synonymous, and presumably as opposed to the public sector which neither creates wealth nor is productive but which instead imposes only costs and creates a burden.

It’s a popular enough use of language but one that has long puzzled me; for in the planned economy of the Soviet Union didn’t those state-controlled industries produce things – albeit mainly tractors – and create wealth, even if they did so relatively inefficiently and in a manner I don’t wish to replicate? And if we take just one means of creating wealth – the manufacture of steel – and consider the method of taking worthless iron ore stuck in the ground and, by a process of digging, smelting, galvanising and whatever-else-it-is-you-do-to-it ending up with valuable steel, then this was a process that in the UK was at one time done by British Steel, a part of the public sector. Is it plausible to argue that UK steel manufacturing only became part of the wealth creating part of the economy once it was privatised? But fair enough; British Steel was privatised, the work of its successor, Corus, is now the preserve of the private sector, and so if we are talking about the British economy now and handing out prizes then the private sector should get the credit for that particular method of creating wealth.

But let’s return to the snow and the economic consequences of inadequately preparing for it, something that the Mail claims cost the economy £1.2 billion in a day. This is perhaps a further damning indictment on the failing public sector and the costs it imposes on business. But hold on; if failing to grit the roads can be said to have cost the economy £1.2 billion, couldn’t it also be said that when successfully gritting the roads – something that happens most of the time – the local authorities and the Highways Agency actually contribute £1.2 billion to the economy? After all, unless you consider salted and snow-free roads to be the natural order of things with which only the clumsy interventions of the state can interfere with, then whenever the snow falls and the gritters and snow-ploughs successfully swing into action the public sector is actively participating in the creation of that wealth.

And what of those roads in the first place, that are built and maintained by the public sector, whatever the weather; don’t they help to create wealth? And what about universal access to education, and health care, and the rule of law? Surely the public provision of these goods is not merely a burden but a contribution to the economy as a whole, and to the wealth creation that both the private and public sectors participate in? And while it could be argued that the private sector could make a better fist of providing these services, such work is currently the preserve of the public sector, and so if we are talking about the British economy now and handing out prizes then the public sector should get the credit for these particular methods of creating wealth.

To refer to the private sector as the wealth-creating sector is misleading at best, and there is much more to be said about the very simplistic way the term “wealth creation” is misused and bandied about; but that can wait for another day. Come on now, this is only my third post in the past two-and-a-half months, and this will do for the time being.