Suggestion Box

by Quinn

Before he became an irritating twerp on Sky Sports, Rob McCaffrey was an irritating twerp on Granada TV, playing third fiddle to Elton Welsby and Clive Tyldesley on such shows as Kick Off and Granada Soccer Night. One day he was walking through the centre of Manchester when my mate Mark drove past in his car. Instinctively, Mark wound down his window and hurled a lump of pate in McCaffrey’s direction; tragically it landed harmlessly on the pavement some distance from its target, but the thought was there. Why pate? I suppose Mark had to think quick, knowing he was never going to be presented with such an open goal again, and he could only work with what was at hand. Let’s hope it was just something like Tesco’s own Ardennes, and not Selfridges’ Fois Gras.

So? Well I was reminded of this incident when I think I heard on News North West this morning that “Herr Doktor” John Reid is to be in Manchester today, acting up; I say “I think I heard” because I only ever half listen to the local news. When he was here for the Labour party conference the other month there was a massive police operation that closed off the whole of the city centre around the G-Mex, Midland Hotel and old Free Trade Hall; but they can’t be spending £4m on security this time around, not for that twat. This then has got to be my best chance of throwing something amusing right in his grinning face.

And it must be amusing; not boring, like paint, or with a message, such as a DVD of 28 Days Later. I don’t mind if it is harmless or potentially deadly, so long as it isn’t dull or predictable. I am looking for silly.

But what? My wife suggested a “meatball marinara” sub from Subway, foot-long; but that seems like a waste of a good sandwich. My son thought of “balls…purple and green and lellow…made of wood” which could certainly do some damage but are not especially funny in themselves. I am finding it difficult to think beyond pate myself, although I also quite like the idea of dropping an acme anvil from a great height – say the new Beethams Tower – like in a cartoon. That idea still needs some work though; perhaps I’ll watch my son’s Tom And Jerry DVD’s for inspiration.

I’m stuck really, so I’m passing it over to you; fitting the criteria outlined above, what should I try to chuck at John Reid today? Chop chop now, he’s not going to be here all day. The winner will be awarded an exciting prize; the respect of their peers.